I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
