if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
