I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
