When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
