I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
