I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
