my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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