Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
