Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
