he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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