Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
