Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
