I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
