When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
