my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
