The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
