My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
