My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
