Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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