My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
