just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
