just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
