I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
