She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Randomize
