Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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