I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
