My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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