Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
