matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Every concussion has its silver lining
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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