Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize