That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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