Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
