shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
