I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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