I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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