fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
