my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
