you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
