hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
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