My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
