I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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