is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
