____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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