life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
