So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Randomize
