this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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