I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
