I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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