Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize