you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
