he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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