Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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