listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize