I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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