i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
