Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
