I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
