So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
