Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
