Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
