Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
