I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
