it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
