im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
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