There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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