Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
