My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
