There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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